Happy Birthday to me.

I've had some pretty crazy birthdays but there's always been some kind of expectation to fulfill, people to "catch up with," or hidden agenda somewhere. I guess what made this one so much fun was that I didn't expect it in the slightest. I mean, 24 isn't that special of a number (except, of course, that it's the last time for 22 years that I'll have consecutive even numbers, which is great), but everybody around me was looking for some reason--any reason--to go nuts. I must have just hit the bill.

My birthday surprise officially started when my night bus to Bangkok arrived at 5AM. It was still dark and I was tired and pissed off that any hotel I find was going to charge me full price for the 2 hours of nighttime left. I literally spend 3 minutes walking (covered in backpacks) before some Thai gay guy and his pretty lady friend pull me into the bar they're at and start offering me drinks. Alarm bells started going off in my head, particularly when i got a good look at this girl. She was skinny. Real skinny. I mean way too skinny for me, even, but there was no sign that this form was the product of any illness or disease or anything. I figured she was probably just a whore and, in any case, the gay guy was with kept buying me drinks hoping I'd go for him.

The sun rose and I got drunk. This girl didn't come onto me one bit, which gave me enough confidence that she wasn't going to ask for money. So I hit on her a bit until she invited me to stay at her place, on account that I didn't have a room yet. What a sweetheart. It was a nice welcome to Bangkok, anwyay, but I woke up at noon and, after checking to make sure she didn't take anything, left to find myself a real room.

That was a nice start to the day.

So I went out to buy a plane ticket outta there. It turns out I fucked up and forgot to get my Indian visa and I would have had to wait a full week to get it. Nepal, on the other hand, offers visas on arrival. So at the drop of a hat I changed my plans around entirely and bought a ticket to leave two days later for Kathamandu. I guess that's why I travel alone.

I met up with my friend Mark, whom I had known on the 10-day motorcycle trip and for a few days before and after in Chiang Mai, and whom I'd seen for another week down in Ko Pangan. When we went out, it turns out he had a table full of friends here, and when they asked what it was I wanted to do for my birthday, I said the only thing I could, considering it was almost my last night in Thailand. "I want to see the worst smut imaginable."

I mean, I wasn't out to get laid (that need had already been fulfilled), and I wasn't out to see any disgusting child-porn or slavery or pissing or shitting or anything like that. But I did want to see what it was that everybody came to Bangkok for, because it definately wasn't the temples. Anyway, it was enough to get half the table up and with us. There were three Marks and two Thai girls (one of whom was the legitimate girlfriend of "my" Mark, the other was being paid by another Mark to be his girlfriend for the past 10 days). After the cab ride to the Pat Pong district (otherwise known as the PingPong district), the guys decided to have a quick drink at a local cafe first, since beers will be so expensive inside the clubs. I was already a little drunk, but before we could gulp down our drinks and go, the waitress stuck a cake under my chin and the whole place sang happy birthday. It was one of those really sweet, really tacky moments that made me realize I'd actually made some good friends out here. Back in Ko Pi Pi, ludo (the french guy from the motorcycle trip) gave me a birthday present of videotaping a series of video birthday messages, including singing the tackiest, most hilarious version of Happy Birthday I've heard so far, and burning me a CD of everything on his camera since my camera had been broken. Some of you will meet him, as he plans a Las Vegas trip at some point int he next year.

Anyway, I blew out the candles and went to see a pingpong show. It was a little disspointing, but since we got there a little late they had ended their major show. I did get to see a girl spit two (non-hardboiled) eggs into a cup, and then some other girl smoked two cigarettes out of hers. As this was going on, some really pretty hooker comes over to one of the Marks and then jumped on me when he told her he had no money, it was my birthday, and I was full of money. So she jumped on my lap, and gave me quite the lap dance as she chewed my ear off. At first I tried to pull her hands away from where they were going, then I realized she had nothing better to do and kept my own hands on my money and enjoyed the ride. Eventually I told her I wasn't going to pay for anything and she left with a slightly dissaponited grin.

But it any case it got my heart pumping. They turned on some aweful dance club music and I started dancing with both Marks' girlfriends. Soon enough, I was up on the pole myself with the hooker girlfriend dancing with me. I was basically sober, and I had absolutely no sexual desire behind it, but there was this massive grin on my face that I only then realized had been missing for the past month. It was back. So I kept dancing with this hooker girlfriend, who was actually a really cool, funky, witty chick that is really good at what she does--being that cool, funky, witty girlfriend you wish you had, and can have at a price. Oh yeah, and her boyfriend of the time was a 40year old fat bald Englishman who was a real cool guy, but albeit not quite attractive. Anyway at some point I managed to make him jealous, which he later told me screwed with his head since you're not supposed to ever get jealous of a hooker, and so i stopped. Actually, by the end of the night I picked up the bartender, of all people, but she was too nice of a girl, living with her family, and I couldn't be ok with leading her on. She did call me later, that was nice.

We left the club and followed some skeezy salesman guy to the "afterhours" club, which was basically a tacky (crowded) club with a line of whores sitting on red velvet cushions with their backs to wall mirror, waiting patiently to be picked up by her new "soulmate." So we left and ended up right back to where i had initially got off the bus less than 24 hours before. Buckets were $5 (one pint of whiskey and two redbulls) so we just got hammered. By then we were dead sober from the price of the drinks, and one hour later we were dead drunk from the price of these drinks. It was 4 or 5 AM and I don't remember much after that. I remember I unfortunately ran into the girl from that morning, who then took me back to her place when I was in no condition even make it home.

I woke up the next morning with absolutely no idea where I was. It's been a long while since this had happened to me, and to be honest it was a lot of fun trying to piece things together. "Where am I? Why does my head hurt? Hey, this place looks familiar, kinda like that girl's place yesterday. Holy shit, it is that girl's place from yesterday. And that's her lying next to me. But she has her clothes on. Did I get laid? I gotta get outta here" Slowly it came to me that she led me back there, then I vaguely remember lying down for a second and then I woke up. It was almost 1PM. She must have been pissed off. I wake her up and she's got nothing nice to say to me, so I say goodbye and leave. As I walk home i realized she'd taken $12 from me. Bitch. At least that habit I'd formed of never taking anything valuable out finally paid off. I went back to her appartment and banged on the door, demanding my money back. She lets me in and falls back asleep, denying everything (poorly) and saying I could look around if I want; basically, that I wasn't going tofind it. I went home and fell asleep.

The next day I flew to Nepal and here I am. I'll be back online later to give the whole report.